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Total Warhammer 3 without touching grass: Noctilus accidentally looks up ‘avast’ in the dictionaryZombies love me, fish fear me.
Zombies love me, fish fear me.
Image credit:Creative Assembly
Image credit:Creative Assembly
Image credit:Creative Assembly
Image credit:Creative Assembly
On the eve of the battle, the bad omens begin to mount up. First, Montgunnery finds a lemon wedge in his grog, just in time to bin it before it threatens the cure the scurvy that’s basically keeping his skin attached at this point. Then, the cannon-cleaning monkey gets stuck in a bore and has to gnaw his own feet off to escape. We later discover he could have just removed his hat. Then, curse of all curses, a weevil-chewed dictionary falls from the sky and lands at Count Noctilus’ feet, forcing him to learn what ‘Avast’ actually means. He has…not been using it correctly at least 70% of the time. Shaken, he stumbles to his quarters to avast himself of a good night’s rest.
Image credit:Creative Assembly
Noctilus’ messenger monkey swings into his tent with yet more bad news. Enemy reinforcements have been spotted on the way, and they’re due to arrive on our side of the field, leaving us even less space to set up our artillery. It also means that we’ll have to either spread our firing zones or designate a melee force - troops we need to cover our guns - to deal with them.“I am the melee force!“shouts Noctilus. He surprises even himself with how commanding and resolute he sounds, but then realises that his only audience is a monkey. That’s like, five bad omens in a row now.
The first half of the fight doesn’t go too badly for us. Despite the foliage, our artillery manages to do some decent work softening up the approaching elves. We hide some mournguls further forward on the left, who do a bang up job slowing down the elf’s flanking force of cavalry. Remember when I said the map was terrible for us? It’s actually worse than that, since we’re at the bottom of a slope on the whole left side. I could have set up further along, but then I’d have the reinforcements arrive straight behind me. Instead, I now have to deal with elven archers on higher ground. My artillery does its best, but they’re still able to set up some nasty bow lines.
Image credit:Creative Assembly
When reinforcements arrive in Twarhammer 3, they take a while to get into formation, so you’ve usually got a grace period of about ten seconds where the entire force is clumped up in a fat line, ripe for spellcasting and the like. I manage to lay down my bonus cannons, then send Noctilus in. Being a single entity in a mass of troops, they all clump up around him. It’s then I turn my entire payload on them, wreaking absolute havoc. Normally, I’d be feeling quite smug right now, but focusing on the reinforcing army has meant no artillery left to deal with the main force, who are now well and truly on top of us. Then, with the screeching cacophony of a thousand monkeys laying eggs simultaneously, Eltharion appears overhead on his griffin, poised to dive straight into our back line.
What follows is chaos. And not the good kind, where we can loot the bodies afterward. And not the other good kind, who are well known for killing elves. No, this is the kind of chaos wherein our mostly ranged army is rendered impotent as, well, zombies with guns. Elves pile in from all sides. Most of our mortars are shut down quickly. After a triumphant final volley, Queen Bess - the greatest cannon that ever lived - collapses into a heap upon the cursed elven grass.
Image credit:Creative Assembly
Image credit:Creative Assembly
The blows and arrows hurt at first. Slicing, piercing pain, first as individual wounds, then as an indistinguishable wave of agony. Then, as fast as it came, the pain gives way to something else; a soporific acceptance of his fate. Noctilus has but one final thing he must do. A deep curiosity that’s lived inside him longer that he’d ever admit. As he falls, he extends a hand outward. When he meets the ground, he summons the last tatters of strength left in him, and grasps the verdant blades that surround him. Is….this what grass feels like? Is this…what I’ve been missing this whole time? Is this….happiness?
Lol. Lmao. Gotcha. Noctilus died and never touched grass. And neither did I.Fin.
