HomeReviewsThe Thing: Remastered
The Thing: Remastered review: a fantastic remaster of a game best observed from a distanceKurt Sussel
Kurt Sussel
Image credit:Nightdive/Rock Paper Shotgun
Image credit:Nightdive/Rock Paper Shotgun
Nightdive, you done good.The Thing: Remasteredis an ultra-sharp and commendably playable update to a game that history will remember as ‘actually a pretty good pick at Choices when you really just popped in to get some Revels but got embarrassed when the till staffer said “is that everything?” in a tone thatcouldhave been neutral but equallycouldhave been a damning indictment of your character’.
I’m being slightly facetious here, of course. History actually remembers Computer Artworks’s 2002 shootyhorrorgame for how incredibly ambitious and conceptually inventive its proto-sus social squad system was. In homage to the body-snatching alien paranoia of Carpenter’s 1982 horror classic, The Thing tasks you with not just assembling and directing a squad, but keeping them from breaking down or turning on you - in fear you might be hosting the titular molecular stowaway.
Image credit:Nightdive/Rock Paper Shotgun
Again: Nightdive have delivered a fantastic remaster. Every instance of a 2002 sound engineer pitching down a Nokia recording of their cat growling is crisp and distinct, and every face coming out an armpit hanging from a stalk is vivid. Controls and menus feel modern and intuitive, and the only change I made to the default settings was to turn on ‘old school aiming’. I had one recurring crash when an engineer kept dying on one level, otherwise, things went as smooth as the nose of a Swedish forest cat. Sorry. Norwegian.
The question, then, is whether you’ll actually want to play it, which is sort of like asking if you want to spend your weekend at a museum. Full of live crabs covered in rotting meat. And you’re the janitor. And you’re not allowed to leave until you’ve cleaned all the crabs. With a malfunctioning electric toothbrush. But! It’s still a museum, and so contains exhibits both enriching and educational in how they contextualize the present state of button pushingandpreserve older ideas on how button pushing could be done.
In short: It’s an interesting game! It’s almost a really good horror game, but then it becomes a bad action game quite early on and basically stays that way for the rest of its runtime.
It starts very strong, though. You play as Captain J.F. Blake, a pint tray runoff cocktail of several different military-type dude archetypes, sent to investigate the fallout of the film’s events. A kind of Kurt Russel six degrees of character separation manifests here in the fact that Blake is effectively Solid Snake, minus all the camp and wit and doofy wisdom and self reflection and basically all charm or charisma. Still! when he asks what a noise was, he asks it with his entire ass. The film isn’t required watching any more so than normal, which is to say: yes, it’s required watching even if you don’t plan to play this. Even if you watched it last week. Go watch The Thing again.
Image credit:Nightdive/Rock Paper Shotgun
The game’s noteworthy peculiarity comes not from any of its myriad half-baked ideas in a vacuum, but the sheer number of half-baked ideas it has. You’ll use torches and flares to light darkened areas, fire extinguishers to access previously very on-fire areas, and syringes to calm panicking squadmates. You’ll find a thousand weapons per level, but give most of them to those same squadmates, alongside ammo. You’ll hijack security cameras to reveal door codes and occasionally do a turret section. Sometimes, you’ll lead your panicked squad for a nice jog outside to calm them down, making sure not to stay too long in case your ‘it’s cold!’ meter drains and you start taking health damage.
You can even, in the most The Thingly thing The Thing does, take samples of your own blood to hold aloft in front of your squad to convince them you haven’t been taken over. Each squad member has a specialisation, a health bar, and a trust meter. Medics heals your squad, engineers can fix tricky fuse boxes, and so on. Accidentally shooting them makes trust go down, healing them and giving them guns makes it go up, as does the aforementioned “look at my blood!” trick. That this is maybe the only instance that waving a vial of your own blood at a stranger might logically result in increased good vibes is a testament to the premise’s enduring brilliance.
So, early on, you walk slowly through corridors and dimly-lit research stations. Maybe one of your squadmates will see a corpse of a colleague, puke on the floor, and refuse to press on until you comfort them. You take care to keep everyone stocked on ammo and to not accidentally shoot anyone. It feels slow, deliberate, and atmospheric. You go on like this for about an hour, after which the game just runs out of ideas and starts chucking dozens upon dozens of the smallest, speediest, crawliest enemies at you every five minutes. There’s the occasional bit of lively tension when you have to flamethrower one of the bigger monsters without also cooking your squad in tight environs, but there’s also just so much ammo and so much bad shooting that it starts to smother all the other stuff.We’re all very tired. But it’s fine. We have like, 10 billion shotgun shells.
Image credit:Nightdive/Rock Paper Shotgun
Which, to make clear once again, is absolutely no shade to Nightdive. The Thing stays interesting in its foibles even when it’s nowhere close to entertaining. And, on balance, I don’t regret my time with it. It’s a worthwhile bit of in-amber preservation, even if I don’t necessarily want to touch the insect inside if I can help it.
