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The reforging of the Rock Paper ShotgunLock, stock and a trip to the archives
Lock, stock and a trip to the archives
Image credit:Samuel Johannes Pauli / FreeMyCollection.com
Image credit:Samuel Johannes Pauli / FreeMyCollection.com
Here is how I think everything really happened back in 1872, theactualyear RPS was founded. One darkling day in November, the Founders - starry-browed Sir Alec Walker, Mad MC Meerjohn, time-travelling cowboy Slim Jim Rossignova and Kieron Gillen, who I gather was a magic horse of some description - were wandering in the forest fastness of Errour. Emerging from the heartwoods, the foursome found themselves upon the green and hallowed shores of Loch Arthur. From the loch’s brilliantine waters issued the mighty arm of Alice O, who hurled unto them a Shotgun with a Halo of Destiny, a Heretical instrument of Unreal power fit to make the Dark Forces of Doom itselfQuakeinF.E.A.R.
An anonymous artist’s portrayal of the founding of Rock Paper Shotgun, based on eye-witness accounts |Image credit:Rock Paper Shotgun
The Founders were sore amazed, but Kieron Gillen spake good counsel unto them, saying: “Take heart, colleagues, for this mighty weapon is surely +20 frostbite with a 33% chance of a free reload per headshot.”
“A talking horse - witchcraft!” shrieked Meerjohn, seizing the Shotgun and firing wildly. And there might our tale have ended, but fortunately, Sir Walker had a human writer friend who was also called Kieron Gillen and had been standing slightly to the left of everybody this whole time. And so, after burying their beloved magic horse, the Founders took up the Rock Paper Shotgun and deployed its strength to build and consecrate the only website for PC gamers that has ever existed.
There is but one course of action: we must reforge it. We must reforge the Rock Paper Shotgun. But of which rock, which paper and which shotgun should this implement of wonder be constructed? Every RPS writer and every RPS reader will have their own answer to this question, but it falls to me, as instigator of this crusade, to start the ball rolling.
I would love to wield a shotgun made of puzzle game materials. It’s an appealing kind of blasphemy, like making a pancake out of caviar. But I do wonder about the ballistic potential of symbol-ridden pendants. Not having ever owned one myself, I strongly suspect the original pendants were actually plastic. And even as I type these words, my eye is drawn to the resolute anti-materialism ofSin Vega’s old diary about being a Minecraft hermitin a world straining beneath the weight of Nate Crowley’s (RPS in peace) megalomania. Not for Sin the diamond and obsidian ordnance of so-called “civilisation”. She generally made do with a humble stone axe. Very well then, our Rock shall be Minecraft’s stone.
As recently as 2023, Katharine (RPS in peace), wrote about the joys of physical video game manuals - specifically,The Banished Vault’s accompanying booklet with its life-saving conversion tables. Still, perhaps we don’t need to be that literal. For the Paper of Rock Paper Shotgun, I choosethe Pipwick Papers, Philippa Warr’s old internet round-up series, which rival Reddit’s frontpage in their coverage of everything from snail facials and Game Of Thrones to “cosmic inflation” and videos of food-styling. The lack of a tag makes digging them all up a faff, but you can always resort to our searchbox. They’re worth the effort.
Lastly, the Shotgun element of the Rock Paper Shotgun. This is also a tricky question, but for reasons ofabundance, not scarcity. There are as many shotguns as there are first-person shooters. You could build a ladder to the moon with their stocks and barrels, and perhaps I’ll do that someday, if they force me to write about LEGO Star Wars again.
