HomeFeaturesTotal War: Warhammer III
Conquering Total War: Warhammer 3 as a pirate with a pathological aversion to ever touching grassBorn to plunder. World is an ocean. 410,757,864,530 dead elves.
Born to plunder. World is an ocean. 410,757,864,530 dead elves.
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Additionally, I’m using the following mods:
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Image credit:Sega/Creative Assembly
We’ve got a few nice hills on our side of the map, so I layout a loose checkerboard with the rifles on the high ground, and stick my exploding bloater in some trees to hopefully take out a few Dragon Princes later. They’re the only potentially nasty unit the elves have, so well worth sacrificing the bloater for. Before that though, we’ve got some elf luring to do. I attacked them, so they’ll like as not just wait out the timer and win if I leave them to their own devices. Luckily, the Necrofex Colossus has silly range. I take pot shots at their archers until they figure they’ve had enough and advance. The main thing my army is missing so early is either some bats or dogs; something to get into elven backlines sharpish so their arrows don’t decimate me. Luckily, I chew through most of their frontline quickly, including the Dragon Princes, and Erethond is quickly reduced to Ere-dead. Thanks. Been saving that one.
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
I end the turn forgetting to build anything on my ship, or recruiting any units. I have apparently forgotten how hybrid horde armies work.
It’sturn two, and we’ve run into our first problem: there’s a sizable patch of grass between Noctilus and Vaul’s Anvil, which means I’m going to have to leave these elves disgustingly alive. No matter! Lothern, the juiciest elf city, is a port, and also right around the corner. I reason dealing a blow to Tyrion this early is a good shout, too. I park up behind a volcano, do some housekeeping, and its on to turn three. Where’s that monkey got to?
It’sturn threeand Noctilus has just been informed that, much like the previous three lip-licking monkeys, Captain Fleas has somehow worked out how to use a pistol, and shot himself. The funeral can wait, however, as there are elves to kill. I’m not ready to take on Lothern in siege battle yet, so we’ll just encircle it and try to wear them down. We won’t fully encircle it obviously, because that would involve land. We’ll just hang around at port looking menacing. Men! Replace the regular skull flag with the ‘Elves r cringe’ flag. This is sure to whip them into a frenzy and make them reckless. We snag a few upgrades and onturn fivesiege the city, but not before declaring war on a faraway pirate named Gentlemen Jenkins because the game offered us money to do so. He’s miles away, so it’s fine.
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
I siege the city for a few turns, and I’m just about to wear the elves down to a manageable level through attrition when disaster strikes. It’s elf boss Tyrion, come to support the garrison. There’s no way this my current band of flaky reprobates can handle this fight - have you ever seen a zombie with scurvy try to lift up a polearm, it’s not pretty - so I retreat. And…
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
The game sticks me right on land, or at least that’s what the elves' cowardly magic would have me believe. You and I, reader, know this is actually impossible, because I simply will not touch grass under any circumstances. I immediately dispel the elf magic, and sail back to Galleon’s Graveyard to rally the troops. I research some tech, upgrade my settlement, recruit some artillery and…
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
The elves have fallen for my completely intentional ruse in which I pretended to be a coward. Idiots. As luck would have it, I’m given a dilemma that buffs my gunlines. I’ve got two turns to recruit before Tyrion and Alastar arrive, so I load up on rifle zombies. They’ll also take attrition, so with a little finesse (guns) I should be able to win the day.
I don’t want to brag here, but I’ve got quite a lot of guns. The elves? Zero guns. Not a single solitary sausage. I camp up on a hill, put my bats in reserve to shut down the archers, make sure to focus down their lords when they come close, and we manage to win the day. Now, do I count myself lucky and sensibly hang around until I’m in a better position, or do I press the advantage and immediately sail back to Lothern? This is a rhetorical question, of course. I pump a few skill points into Noctilus’ ‘Invocation of Nehek’, which lets me re-raise fallen zombies, grab a few more troops, and set sail.
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Did I mention my intense dislike for elves yet? Partly because of the economy buffs the AI receives on higher difficulties, and partly because elves are the worst, they’ve already recuperated most of their losses. I take a smaller port city as an appetizer, hoping to lure out the army, and raze the place to the ground. A bit of clever maneuvering later, which I won’t show you because it was too clever and it would make you feel bad, I’m ready to take the grand prize. Loth-ern? More like Loth-burn! Thanks. I was saving that one especially as treat for anyone who read this far down.
As is my right as the author, and also a lazy person, I kick off the siege with the tried-and-true tack of parking in a single corner of the map, where only a few of the elves' towers can hit me, then systematically take them down with artillery. I pop a couple of brave sacrificial chumps in front of the artillery to soak up shots. I drop the occasional healing spell to keep my meatshields shielded with adequate meat, then pop the game on fast forward, occasionally switching targets. Soon, all the towers are destroyed, and I’m free to unload every single artillery shell, plus more with my wight’s extra powder buff, on the elven capital. Before long, they’re in tatters.
My next step is to send Noctilus in solo and park him behind a wall, casting spells on the already weakened elves with impunity. I burn through my winds of magic, then send in the heavies to finish the job. The city falls, like a precarious peanut balanced atop of a pile of dead elves.
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
Image credit:Creative Assembly/Sega
That, mateys, will have to wait until next time. Until then, be careful out there. Grass, it turns out, is bloody everywhere.
